Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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