Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
