I wish you could order shots online.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
