so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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