i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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