oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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