I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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