Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
