I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
