I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
