Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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