I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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