Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
