so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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