dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
