she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
