Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
