Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
