I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
