I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
