FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
