I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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