perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
