Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
