I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
