i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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