Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
