Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
