I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
