I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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