The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
