They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
