i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
