dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize