Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
