what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize