I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
