My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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