i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize