Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize