You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
