having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The police scanner is talking about you again....
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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