Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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