dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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