im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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