I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
