he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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