Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
