Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
