Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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