you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
