You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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