i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
