ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
