I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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