It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
