Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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