I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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