So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
